The T-Room
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T-Bag and the Rings of Olympus

Episode 4 (Rum Barbara)

First Transmitted 28.1.1991

 
 

Starring:

Mary-Louise Clark as Rum Babara/Netty

Trevor Michael Georges as Oscar Bacardi


 

Polly arrives at a port in the Carribean, riddled with pirates.

In the T-Room, T-Shirt is putting a new twist on a cup of tea by making them into cocktails. T-Bag is not impressed until T-Shirt implies that it is too sophisticated for her. She grabs it and downs it very rapidly and then orders another one.

Polly is ambushed at the docks by a pirate called Rum Barbara. She steals the rings off her and throws her bag away. Polly rushes after her bag, but when she turns around again, Barbara has gone. She makes her way into a bar where Mr Bacardi offers her a drink and then inquires as to why she looks so miserable. When Polly tells her that she has been robbed, Mr. Bacardi is extremely interested and it is soon revealed that he is in love with Rum Barbara and wants to marry her, but they have never met. He tell Polly that Barabara rons the rich to give to the poor. He gives her a drink on the house, but his serving wench, Netty, is not around to serve her. He shouts her downstairs.

Back at the T-Room, T-Shirt sees that Polly has been robbed. He tells T-Bag what has happened, but T-Bag is catatonic, having had one too many cocktails. He gives her some coffee.

Back at the bar, Polly goes on her way.

T-Bag has now recovered and decides to disguise herself as a really wealthy person and try to attract Barbara, so that she could get T-Shirt to clobber her with a gigantic hammer and grab the rings. T-Bag starts waving a massive suitcase full of jangly money and shouting out about how rich she is.

In the bar, Netty is teling Mr. Bacardi how she doesn't nuderstand how he can be in love with a fantasy. She tells him that he could be in love with someone who really cares, like herself. Mr. Bacardi laughs at her when he hears this, and she cries. T-Bag bursts in and asks him to change a banknote worth some exorbitant amount of money because she has her luxury gold plated galleon double parked outside on a meter. When he can't change the note, she tells him that it is the curse of being so rich. She grabs the note back off him and uses it to dry her tears and blow her nose on. She puts her bag on his bar and tell him that if she scratches it, she will buy him a new inn. She explains that she has to be cautious because there are always robbers around to nick your cash. She goes back into the street shouting that she hopes that there are no pirates around who might want to steal her money.

Rum Barbara appears and taps her on the shoulder. T-Bag calls to T-Shirt, but by the time he goes to hit Barbara, she moves out of the way and he wallops T-Bag on the foot.

Later in the bar, T-Bag comes back into the bar dressed as a really poor old hag. Mr. Bacardi recognises her as the rich woman and asks what happened. She explains that she invested all her cash in Bobby Charleton's patent hair restorer. She tells him that if he sees Rum Barbara, to ask her to sling her some cash. She hobbles back out into the street. T-Shirt comes in shortly after and asks Netty where he can find Rum Barbara. Netty tells him that she just left dressed as an old baggarwoman walking with a limp. He rushes out and bashes the old woman with the mallet. He pins her down and demands the rings, but then he finds out that he has bashed T-Bag again. He escapes to the T-Room.

In the bar, Netty overhears Mr. Bacardi (Oscar) reading out a love letter that he has written to Barbara. She thinks that he is talking to her, and agrees to marry him, but he then points out that he was reading. She starts crying again. Polly comes in and Mr.Bacardi asks if she has found her. Polly hasn't. Mr. Bacardi rolls up his letter and seals it with a gold ring and waves it in Polly's face telling her that once she has read the letter, she will be up the ailse faster than a rat up a drainpipe. He rushes out to find Barbara and Polly rushes after him.

T-Bag sees the ring in the saucer and decides to disguise herself as a pirate and impersonate Barbara (because he has never met her) to get the letter. She makes T-Shirt to get into a barrel.

Polly is trying to persuade Oscar to give her the ring. Oscar refuses and threatens to give her a clip around the ear. Oscar dashes off and Polly goes to follow him, but T-Bag appears, so she hides instead. T-Shirt pops up out of the barrel and asks what his part is. T-Bag tells him that as long as he stays in the barrel, he won't muck up the plan. T-Bag goes looking for Oscar. Whilst she is away, Polly pushes T-Shirt in the barrel into the sea. She then hides in another barrel next to where T-Shirt's was.

Oscar returns calling for Barbara. T-Bag hobbles in screexhing in Priate cliches. Oscar isn't convinced about her authenticity, but he gives her the letter. She takes the ring off it and throws the letter on the floor. He figures out that she isn't Rum Barbara. The Real Barbara appears and callenges her to a sword fight. T-Bag gives the ring to Polly thinking that she is T-Bag. Barbara and T-Bag then engage in what I can only describe as the most unconvincing and half-hearted sword fight that I've ever seen on television, accompanied by really dramatic, swash buckling music. It's really quite hysterical to watch. One of those "T-Bag" moments that make this series such a classic.

Anyway, T-Bag gets cornered by Barbara and then zaps her sword away. Barbara then pulls out her musket and aims at T-Bag. T-Bag zaps it and it wobbles around uncontrollably. Barbara then shoots and the shot severs the rope that is suspending the inn's sign. The sign falls to the ground, knocking T-Bag on the head on its way.

Polly emerges from the barrel holding the ring. She thanks T-Bag, who goes back to the T-Room. Oscar gets really excited and starts shouting to Netty to come and meet Barbara. He proposes to Barbara. Barbara then takes off her wig to reveal that she IS Netty and asks if he stilll wants to marry her. Oscar says yes, but Netty tells him to get lost and goes off to sea after giving the rings back to Polly. Polly tells Oscar to go after her if he really loves her, and he does.

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