The T-Room
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T-Bag and the Revenge of the T-Set

Episode 9 (The Bard)

First Transmitted 28.2.1989



Frank Thornton as Will Waggerdagger

Denise Coffey as Queen Elizabeth

Queen Elizabeth is sitting in the throne room when Will Wagadagger walks in. The Queen asks him how the new play is going, and he tells her that it is fine. She shows him the reward that he will get as payment. It is a bunch of treasure including the last spoon.

T-Shirt is in the T-Room listening to loud music. T-Bag comes in and tells him off for wasting time. He tells her that he is bored with these endless quests and that they are completely pointless because they never win. He returns to listening to his radio. She gets rid of it, so he brings it back. She gets rid of it again, and he brings it back. She then gets really annoyed, gets rid of the radio and takes away his magic. She then looks in the saucer and sees the Queen. She tells T-Shirt that she wants him to go and scout around for the girl and the spoon. T-Shirt hasn't been listening because he is wearing his personal stereo. T-Bag gets annoyed and tells him to go and annoy the Queen instead, and zaps him away.

Will gets back to his rehearsal ground to find a note from his troupe of actors that says that they have all gone off to work for William Shakespear who pays them more. Sally appears behind him and he asks if she wants to be in the play, but she refuses.

The Queen is interrogating T-Shirt about where he came from. He tells her, but she doesn't believe him. He then says that he will leave her in peace and puts on his stereo and goes to leave. She demands to know what he has put on and he explains that it plays music. She doesn't believe him, thinking that it is played like a musical intrument, so he demonstrates and shows her how to dance to his pop music. He switches it off and she confiscates it because she likes it so much.

T-Bag sees that the Queen has the spoon.

T-Shirt finds Will and offers to be in his troupe. Will accepts him and casts him as a wounded messenger.

Sally finds the last spoon in the throneroom and grabs it. The Queen catches her and calls the guards, but Sally escapes through the window.

T-Shirt comes out in costume and learns his line in front of Will, but Will is not overly impressed. T-Shirt then finds out that he has got to play all of the other parts apart from the lead, including te part of the Lady Ophelia (which he refuses to play).

T-Bag appears in the T-Room and poses as a lady in waiting. She bustles around and goes over to the treasure and offers to clean it away. The Queen agrees. T-Bag finds that the spoon is missing, but the Queen has hold of it. The Queen puts it in the casket and carries it off with her saying that it is promised to Will Waggadagger. T-Bag starts to formulate another plan.

T-Shirt comes out in the costume of Lady Ophelia, feeling like a wally. Will gives him his lines to learn. Sally comes in and starts laughing at T-Shirt. He tells her that he has left T-Bag and she asks if he fancies collecting the last spoon with her. He agrees.

T-Bag sees in the saucer that Will wants actors for his play. Since he does not specify that he also wants actresses, she diguises herself as a male actor and finds Will. She demands to be in her play. He casts her as the Lady Ophelia on the provision that she gets rid of her beard and moustache. T-Bag goes off to learn her lines. T-Shirt and Sally arrive and T-Shirt says that Sally will play Lady Ophelia. Will tells them that the part has been taken, but accepts Sally and tells them to share out the other parts between them. Will tells them to take all the props to the palace. Sally then realises that the Queen will see her.

The Queen is sitting in the Throneroom, playing on her lute and singing:

(madrigal style)

A midsummer muse doth pay a call and offer this suggestion:

If music be the food of love, prepareth for indigestion.

(rock style)

Elizabethan Boogie! Yeah! Yeah!

Come on get down, get groovy!

Elizabeth boogie, catch my soul!

A funky little rhythm, Baroque and roll!

(Madrigal Style)

With a hey nonnie, nonnie the melody is bonnie!

(Rock Style)

Elizabeth Boogie! Yeah! Yeah!

Elizabethan Boogie! Shambam! Shabam!

Elizabethan Boogie! Doo-de-doo-doo-doo!


Sally decides that the best thing to do is to wear a fake beard when in front of the queen.

The play starts. I shall do a transcript:

The Life and Death of the young Prince Jack.

A1:SC1 - A meadow in merry England. The young Jack is a popular Prince, generous to a fault. He loves his people and his people love him. Enter a country yokel:

Yokel (T-Shirt): Oo-ar! Oo-ar! Oo-ar!

Jack (Will): Tell me, "oo-ar" you? Speak, man! What be thy name?

Y: I be Ned Bumpkin sir, the local goose plucker.

J: Tell me, Ned, hath goose plucking made thee a wealthy man?

Y: Nay, I be poor. I don't have two goats to rub together.

Will to T-Shirt: Not goats, lad, groats!

J: Then, pray accept this gift of 200 guineas.

Y: Gosh!

Will as narrator: Yes, the Prince was known throughout the land as a kind and thoughful person.

Y: Look yonder my beloved prince. Her comes the Lady Ophelia!

(T-Bag stomps in muttering "About time too!" under her breath from the wrong door.)

T-Shirt to T-Bag: T-BAG!

T-Bag to T-Shirt: T-Shirt! What do you think you're playing at?

Will to them both: Stick to the script!

Y: Time I was off to milk the pigs. Bye bye! (rushes off stage)

Sally and T-Shirt realise that T-Bag has the same idea as they do about getting the spoon.

J: Ophelia! Ophelia! Wherefore art thou Ophelia! A rose by any other name would be a tulip or a daisy or a daffodil, but thou fair maid of all the flowers in the garden are the biggest bloomer of the lot!

T-Bag as Ophelia: 'Tis not a day for wooing, Jack.

J: What means the fair Ophelia?

O: Alas, we are at war!

J: War?

O: War. The stormclouds gather over Europe my Prince. You must gurd (spelling?) your loins and prepare to do battle!

J: I go to fight the French. Shed no tears for me dear heart, parting in such sweet sorrow. Fear not, I'll duff 'em up real smart, be back again tomorrow!

The Battle:

Jack and some French Soldiers (Sally and T-Shirt) are engaged in a sword fight. The soldiers turn and flee.

J: Yes, run run you faint hearted rabbits, run! The young Prince Jack hath outfoxed you all!

Back in England:

O: Oh, woe is me! I am undone. Ah, a messenger approacheth!

T-Shirt as messenger: (staggering with arrow through head) AARRRGHHH! Methinks I am dead! (collapses)

After the War:

J: (Limping) I am back from the front!

O: Jack, you are wounded!

J: Tosh! 'Twas only a cannonball.

O: Oh, my Prince!

Will as Narrator: And so it is our play has run it's course. A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

T-Shirt and Sally come in dressed as a pantomime cow and biff T-Bag out of the way and the show ends.

The Queen congratulates Will on such a fine play. She lines them up and pays them one by one. T-Shirt gets his stereo back. Sally comes out from the cow and the Queen forgives her and gives her the spoon. She gives Will the rest of the treasure and then they walk off together discussing the play.

Sally turns to gloat at T-Bag, but T-Bag has already gone. She and T-Shirt then go to get changed and head back to the Temple. Sally hides the bag under a pile of costumes and gets changed. It turns out that the pile of costumes was actually T-Bags skirt that she was still wearing. Th camera pans upwards, and we see T-Bags face sniggering quietly. She then take the bag back to the T-Room. Sally hears the sound of T-Bag's magic and guesses what has happened.

The episode ends with T-Bag holding all the spoons like a fan and saying "As Will Waggadagger might have said: All's well that ends well!"

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