The T-Room
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T-Bag and the Revenge of the T-Set

Episode 2 (When in Rome)

First Transmitted 10.1.1989

 
 

Starring:

James Saxon as The Emperor Bilius

Leon Greene as Nastius

We find the Emperor of Ancient Rome, Billius Buntius Caesar, on his hands and knees playing with his toy animals. Marcus Nastius, the head of the army comes in to report a devastating defeat for their army. He blames it on the fact that the Emperor makes them all wear ridiculous rubber noses. The Emperor remonstrates with him and tells him that as the Emperor, he can do what he likes.

He then commands Marcus to get all the troops back in Rome to blow up balloons for his birthday party that afternoon. He puts Marcus in charge of organising ice cream. He then notices that he hasn't brought him a present and dismisses him from his chambers.

T-Shirt is playing at machine gunning T-Bag with a model aeroplane, but T-Bag isn't impressed and tells him to grow up because they are a team (like a knife and fork, a horse and cart, a bucket and spade, blah-di-blah).

Sally appears in the Emperors chambers and he thinks that she is a guest at his party. He demands a present from her, but of course, she hasn't got one. He says that it's an outrage. Marcus then comes in with a tray of ice cream for Billius to try. Marcus hands over the Royal spoon (the teaspoon) and Billius decides on the pistachio for the party. Sally asks if she can have the spoon, but the Emperor tells her that she has a nerve asking for presents on his birthday. She asks if she can have the spoon if she can find a really nice present for him. He says perhaps, so she rushes off to find something.

T-Bag sees how sappy he is in the saucer and starts to formulate a plan.

She appears to him disguised as a sooth sayer and tells him that he must get rid of all his silver because the Ides of February are upon him and silver will bring him nought but doom and destruction. She convinces him, but doesn't part with the spoon (he didn't notice that he was still holding it). Instead, Marcus comes in holding a solid silver statuette as a present to the Emperor. When he sees this, he drops it on Marcus's toes and accuses him of being out to get him. He then fires Marcus from his post as Head of the Army, and leaves the room. Marcus is quite sore about what has just happened and he and T-Bag start to formulate a plan to get rid of Billius as a team (like Romulus and Remus, Rhubarb and Custard, blah-di blah.).

T-Shirt is sitting in the T-Room listening to his walkman when T-Bag arrives and tells him that she wants him to get rid of Sally at all costs. She then notices that he has the Walkman on, but he says that he had heard every word (which, of course, he hadn't) and goes off to do what he thinks T-Bag wants him to do.

He turns up in the Emperor's chamber and the Emperor demands a present. T-Shirt gives him the model aeroplane. He thros it out of the window. Billius is impressed and loves the present. He makes T-Shirt the new Head of the Army. T-Shirt goes to get the aeroplane back from the street where it came down, but he finds that Marcus has found it and scrunched it up (it was made of balsa wood). T-Shirt tells him off as Head of the Army. Marcus tells T-Shirt to be careful of the Emperor because he is fickle and then relates a story about some bloke who was Head of the Army, but was put to death. T-Shirt then becomes embroiled in the conspiracy to do away with him.

T-Bag appears and they all start cheering "Down with the Emperor". Sally has seen all of this from behind a pillar. She dashes off to see the Emperor.

Sally pleads with the Emperor to believe that T-Shirt and Marcus are out to get him. He believes her and sets her off to spy on them. As soon as she has gone, T-Bag appears as the sooth sayer and tells him not to trust the little girl in blue and pink because she brings doom and destruction.

Sally goes back to her vantage point behind the pillar. Marcus and T-Shirt meet in the street. Marcus has two bowls of ice cream, one with a picture of a mole, and the other with a picture of a fish. He explains to T-Shirt that one of the bowls has been laced with a tranquiliser that will knock out the Emperor so they can dump him on an island somewhere and forget about him. Marcus has made a rhyme so that when T-Shirt gets to the party, he will eat from the safe bowl:

"The powder from the pouch is in the dish with the fish,

But the bowl with the mole is the treat you can eat."


Sall tells the Emperor about the ice cream, but he doesn't trust her because of what T-Bag has said. Marcus comes in with the ice cream in both bowls, but Sally makes him fall over the Emperors skateboard. The dish with the fish smashes. Marcus captures Sally, ties her up and leaves her behind a curtain.

T-Shirt is trying to explain the rhyme to T-Bag. I will include a transcript of the conversation because it is the easiest way to go about it:

TB: Let's get this straight: the powder from the pouch is in the bowl with the mole.

TS: No, no!

TB: That's what you said!

TS: I said the bowl with the mole has the treat you can eat!

TB: Ah, right, so, the pouch with the fish has the powder in the dish.

TS: What pouch with the fish? The fish is on the dish.

TB: I thought the ice cream was on the dish.

TS: The ice cream is in the dish.

TB:The dish with the fish?

TS: Yes!

TB: So, what about the mole you can eat?

TS: You don't eat the mole, you eat the treat and the treat is in the dish with the fish!

TB: Ah, no, you're wrong there: the powder from the pouch is in the dish with the fish!

TS: (Annoyed) That's what I said!

TB: (Angry, shouting) It's not what you said at all! This is what you said...

TS: (Shouting louder) THE POWDER FROM THE POUCH IS IN THE DISH WITH THE FISH, BUT THE BOWL WITH THE MOLE HAS THE TREAT YOU CAN EAT!!!!

TB: (Taken aback) There's no need to shout!

TS: Have you got it now?

TB: Of course I've got it! I've always had it! I'd better go and sort this out. You go and find that fool, Nastius.

T-Bag turns up at the Emperors party and they go to start on the ice cream. The Emperor lets T-Bag choose the dish to eat from.

Marcus finds T-Shirt in the street and tells him that the dish with the fish got smashed, so the powder from the pouch is now in the bowl with the mole.

T-Bag picks up the bowl with the mole and starts eating. Sally rushes out and tell the Emperor to stop eating. T-Bag gloats because she thinks that Sally is too late. The Emperor thinks that he has been poisoned, and starts flailing around on the floor. T-Shirt rushes in and tells them to stop eating and tells T-Bag that she has eaten the wrong one. T-Bag spits a venomous reply, but is cut off mid sentence as she falls asleep.

The Emperor expresses his gratitude to Sally, and gives her the spoon.

 

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