SCENE 1. EXT. TOMMY’S TEA SHOPPE.
CLOSE UP OF HANDWRITTEN
SIGN IN WINDOW. IT READS: ‘HELP REQUIRED. FRIENDLY ATMOSPHERE.
GOOD PAY. MUST LIKE TEA’
A GRUBBY HAND REACHES OUT AND TOUCHES THE SIGN.
SCENE 2. INT. TOMMY’S TEA SHOPPE
A QUAINT OLD-FASHIONED
TEA SHOP. THE COUNTER DISPLAYS A SELECTION OF MOUTH WATERING HOMEMADE
CAKES, BUNS AND SCONES. LOTS OF FANCY TEAPOTS ADORN SHELVES AROUND
THE ROOM. SEVERAL SMALL TABLES CONTAIN THE REMAINDERS OF DELICIOUS
THE LAST FEW CUSTOMERS
ARE BEING SHOWN TO THE DOOR BY OUR HOST – TOMMY, FOR THIS
IS ‘TOMMY’S TEA SHOP’. AND TOMMY IS NONE OTHER
THAN OUR OLD FRIEND, T.SHIRT.
Thanks for coming. Call again. Don’t be a stranger. Bye now.
AS THE LAST CUSTOMER
EXITS T.SHIRT SMILES A SATISFIED SMILE AND FLIPS THE OPEN SIGN ON
THE DOOR TO CLOSED. BOLTS THE DOOR. HE MOVES ACROSS TO GRAB A TRAY,
AND BEGINS CLEARING THE TABLES.
SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOUD
RAPPING ON THE DOOR.
We’re closed. Open again tomorrow at ten.
THE RAPPING CONTINUES.
I said we’re shut!
BUT STILL THE KNOCKING
CONTINUES. T.SHIRT CROSSES TO THE DOOR.
Ohhh. Hang on…
T.SHIRT UNLOCKS THE DOOR.
OPENS IT TO REVEAL A DISHEVELLED OLD BAG LADY, A VERITABLE COMPOST
HEAP ON LEGS. T.SHIRT IS TAKEN ABACK AT THE APPARITION.
Oh. Uh…I’m afraid we’re closed.
THE OLD WOMAN JUST GRINS
A TOOTHLESS, GORMLESS SMILE.
THINKING SHE MAY BE DEAF, T.SHIRT RAISES HIS VOICE.
I said I’m afraid we’re…
Closed. Yes. I heard you the first time. I’m not deaf.
WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD
SHE BARGES PAST HIM INTO THE CAFÉ.
Hoi! Excuse me. You can’t just…wait!
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKS AROUND,
TAKING IN THE DÉCOR AND FURNISHINGS.
Very tasteful. Very salubrious. You’ve done well for yourself.
Look. I don’t mean to be rude, but…
Tommy’s Tea Shoppe. How droll.
T.SHIRT CROSSES TO THE
COUNTER. STARTS TO COLLECT UP SOME LEFTOVER CAKES.
I’ll rustle you up some cakes and sandwiches. To take away.
I haven’t come here for your leftover cake crumbs and curled
up cucumber sandwiches. You stupid boy.
AT THOSE LAST THREE WORDS,
T.SHIRT’S BLOOD RUNS COLD. SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN IN HIS SOUL
ALARM BELLS ARE RINGING.
Uh…do I know you from somewhere?
Memory like a clapped out colander.
T.SHIRT STRAINS TO EXAMINE
HER FEATURES AS THE OLD WOMAN MOVES ABOUT THE ROOM, PICKING UP TEAPOTS
AND EXAMINING VARIOUS KNICK-KNACKS.
I just have some inkling that we’ve met before.
An inkling? I always thought an ‘inkling’ was a baby
No. Straight up. You didn’t used to belong to my Tuesday Night
Badminton Club, did you?
The only reason I’d pick up a badminton racket would be to
whack you about the neck with it! For pity’s sake! What has
happened to you, boy?
Look. I’m not a boy, and I don’t like your attitude.
I think you’d better leave now.
T.BAG SITS DOWN DEFIANTLY
AT ONE OF THE TABLES.
I don’t want to have to get heavy with you…
Oh sit down and wise up. (BEAT) I see you’re looking
for help. What a delicious little coincidence. I’m looking
for help, myself.
Okay. Time to go. Enough is enough.
T.SHIRT WALKS ACROSS
TO OPEN THE DOOR. HE HAS HIS BACK TO T.BAG AS HE UNBOLTS AND UNLOCKS.
AT THE SOUND OF THAT
OH-SO-LONG-AGO, YET FAMILIAR NAME, T.SHIRT STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS.
What did you call me?
Oh. So you remember the name, your name, then, T.Shirt. Perhaps
you might also remember mine.
T.SHIRT SPINS ROUND TO
FIND A TRANSFORMED T.BAG STANDING BEFORE HIM IN ALL HER FORMER GLORY
– THE FAMOUS RED COSTUME AND ALL.
Give the boy a coconut macaroon.
W…w…what are you doing here?
Searching for you, you little gumboil. I’ve travelled halfway
round the world. Questioned every Tom Scrimp, Dick Gherkin and Scrap
Harry until I found you. And here you are.
What do you want from me?
Oh I think you know the answer to that.
SHOCKED AND STUNNED,
T.SHIRT SLUMPS DOWN ONTO A CHAIR, HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
No. No. This can’t be happening.
Two old friends reunited. What could be sweeter?
Friends? Ha! That’s rich.
T.BAG SITS HERSELF DOWN
ACROSS THE TABLE FROM T.SHIRT.
Remember all the fun times we had together? I showed you the world.
Took you to fabulous places.
Yeah. And made me work like a dog.
You do exaggerate.
For the first three years you made me sleep in a basket!
It was a very nice basket!
You robbed me of my childhood. Half my life wasted, rushing about
looking for bells and crystals and stupid spoons just to satisfy
your crazed lust for power. Call that an education?
Oh come back to me, Shirty. You and me belong together.
I know where you belong. And it’s not with me. It’s
with a couple of big strong men in white uniforms, in a straight
Don’t try to fight it. You know it’s the truth. We need
Listen to yourself. Can’t you get it through that bulbous
lump you call a head? It’s over. You tried to take over the
world. You fell flat on your face. Just leave it, will you? And
leave me. I’m happy how I am.
Oh, Thomas...Tommy…T… Look me in the eye and tell me
you didn’t have fun.
Sure I had fun. I laughed like a drain the day you got destroyed.
Once a tea caddy, always a tea caddy!
WITH A FLOURISH T.BAG
PULLS OUT A SINGLE T.LEAF WHICH SHE HOLDS UP IN FRONT OF T.SHIRT’S
FACE. HE IS MESMERISED BY IT.
Agh! But…where? How?
The seeds from which we’ll grow a new world order! Rise to
even greater heights! Recapture the glory of the once mighty T.Set!
Today Bournemouth, tomorrow the world!
So what’s it to be? A life spent serving toasted teacakes
to deaf old biddies, or action, adventure, and dressing up in silly
(DEFIANT) I told you! I’m happy here! (LONG BEAT)
Although I do miss the dressing up.
Ah, yes, you always looked good in a doublet and hose.
T.SHIRT JUMPS TO HIS
(SNAPPING OUT OF HIS REVERIE) No! No! What am I thinking?
Don’t fight it! The power of the tea is in your blood.
T.BAG STANDS, DANGLING
THE T.LEAF SEDUCTIVELY IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. T.SHIRT STARTS TO FALL
UNDER ITS POWER.
I can feel you weakening.
T.SHIRT: (STRUGGLING TO RESIST)
I can’t…I mustn’t…
Our next quest will be our finest ever!
There’s no point resisting. You were mine the moment I walked
through that door!
A LONG PAUSE. T.SHIRT
REALISES HE IS DEFEATED.
When do we start?
Welcome home, my treasured lumplet.
SHE CLASPS T.SHIRT TO
THEN RELEASES HIM ROUGHLY.
Time to go, Shirty. Things to do. Places to be. Innocent young girls
T.BAG MOVES ACROSS TO
The T.Set is back! And back with a vengeance!
FIRED WITH ENTHUSIASM
T.BAG FLOUNCES OUT. T.SHIRT STANDS FOR A MOMENT, LOOKING ROUND NOSTALGICALLY
AT HIS TEA SHOP. HE LOVINGLY STROKES ONE OF THE ORNAMENTAL TEAPOTS.
HE SIGHS AND MOVES ACROSS TO THE DOOR.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in…
HE EXITS. END ON CLOSE
UP OF THE CLOSED SIGN ON THE DOOR.
FADE TO BLACK. THE END.